american history should be my favorite class. but not because i blog in it. [dont tell on me]

yesterday i decided, very suddenly, that i am growing up too fast.
too many responsibilities.
too much work, school, money problems.
being hassled about dating, messy rooms, and lack of healthy habits.
im only 20.
i dont want to have to pay bills, or buy vegetables.
so what i would like is to go back to being 18.
where i just wasted my life away wishing i was the nice age of 20.
where i took for granted my large money savings, parents covering rent, and the ease of freshman year classes at BYUI.
overall, i think i just need to appriciate being young.
before i am married and have kids [not that i plan that happening soon, for sure]
and have myself in over my head with work and school and more bills then i can ever imagine.

thank you friend for reminding me of my minute responsibilites in comparison to his.
thank you mom for being so nice.
and as much as i always seem overly stressed out and/ or irritated,
i appriciate many things about my life and im working on noticing the positive.



p.s. dogs love me. and i dont know how to react to them mostly.

tuesdays are the most eventful day of my week.

thank you kid who pushed the crosswalk sign out from the road.
thank you caitlyn for buying me a ticket to see ted leo/ against me.
thank you teacher for not completely hating me when i laughed out loud while talking to my favorite uncle online during class.
thank you trees for turning yellow.
thank you brian for giving me a cookie.
thank you kenton for letting me steal your earrings, and your bass, in which i am in love with learning.
thank you man who invented wireless internet.
a less sincere thank you to the wind for blowing in my face.
thank you to myself for signing up for a 3 hour night class.

sometimes i confuse even myself

hey! what is better than blogs on a sunday night.
since i usually blog on mondays. but tomorrow will be so busy,
and im feeling full of words right now.
so today is an evaluation of, things. ok me putting things into words so they possibly make more sense to me.... however the fact that my blog is somewhat public now im more cautious with my words, or maybe just emberassed to say the things i truely desire to express. [then i express this look on my face that i have no way to express in words.]
right now im having family guy be my background noise.
it is horrible and is giving me a headache, but i cant stand to be alone in complete quiet.
i can have quiet when i am not alone, however.
i normally hate adult cartoons, but recently ive gained a.... ok, not appreciation,
but, understanding, a sense of their humor? lol, i laugh now.
maybe cuz im more of an adult.
today josh, one of my pseudo-roommates, told me he thought i was older than i was.
it made me happy, probably because im always wishing my life away.
all i wanted was to be 20 years old, and now i want to be 21. and 22. maybe then i will be content. i am so sick of people judging me for my age.
im way too self conscious about that.
i really enjoy intelligent conversation.
i wish i had more of it in my life, its so... refreshing, for lack of a better word.
you know there are those words you love to avoid using, and that is one of them.
but back to thoughts, i really have this overwhelming desire to have more regular meaningful conversations. and so it goes.
[did you notice the end where i was having fun with colors and such? ya, it was fun. lol]

p.s. if i call you at midnight and tell you i cant sleep and am really creeped out because i heard weird noises or something, it's probably nice to not be rude, and tell me i am acting like i am a child because thats what you were like when you were 6. :]

<3, luv, love

today is love day.
im going to find all the things i love.
hooorahh!!
there are 43 of them. because its going to start to get long and boring.
and it seemed like a good number.
this is just for my own realization of good things.
i may add another list. it makes me feel so good.
or maybe my next list will be just written down on paper. either way.....
1. the smell of rain
2. having food in my cupboards
3. the knowledge of a family who loves me
4. having some amazing best friends
5. driving around at night with no destination
6. eating junk food for dinner
7. the feeling i get when i know that everything will be alright
8. when i say things not on purpose that are song lines
9. seeing old friends
10. the beach
11. going on trips, with good conversations
12. intelligent conversations.
13. awkward people.
14. free food
15. fairs!!
16. christmas time
17. lots of blankets,
18. mexican apple soda
19. making lists
20. tiny kittens
21. sweaters
22. being funny. and laughing
23. going on walks around the neighborhood
24. reading a good book
25. youtube. go make fun of me now.
26. sci fi channel movies during halloween
27. watching tv on dvd
28. peppermint gum
29. finding out you have more money than you thought you did
30. neosporin
31. church [why did it take me so long to add that one....]
32. riddles. for real. im excellent at them, most of the time.
33. having a car to drive
34. the color yellow
35. noticing differences in people.
36. when i can focus on things
37. bottled water [its true, its just fancy, and in a bottle, and tastes cleaner]
38. getting texts when im in class and bored out of my mind
39. dancing.
40. singing along to the radio
41. being sneaky [but not in a creepy way]
41. cinnamon pinecones
42. naked trees
43. my job, reallly. i love those kids.

yesterday all my troubles seemed so.... something....

So im so in a blog mood right now, or at least i thought i was, so we will see if it lasts.
mostly because i was contemplating because my friend matt asked me what i was passionate about. so with that in mind.....
i am one that is either very passionate- positive or negative.
i know that i hate green beans
i know that i love sweaters.
those are very simple things. i know them.
all of my emotions are very extreme, as many people know.
so with this in mind....
i love the feeling of getting something accomplished.
but i hate doing homework.
i love knowing where things are.
i am very unorganized, and then stubborn to go with that.
i love my friends to death.
i hate a lot of people.
which is HORRIBLE, because i dont really like to admit that,
for one- hate is a very strong word [thank you plain white tees]
but i really really really dont like you?
i am passionate about always doing the right thing.
i think that involves just making sure i have a clear conscience.
which is contradictory to myself because im sure i cant have one while not liking people,
and maybe i should try not to be so asocial or awkward.
mmm... im passionate about awkward people. they make my world complete.
im not very good at keeping my thoughts in order.
im passionate about helping others.
now dont be decieved. im a brat. im selfesh. i want a lot of attention.
but if i know someone needs something, or if they are sad, you cant get me to leave them alone.
tbh [which is to be honest. i have to add an acronym in my blog] they wish they werent sad so i would go away.
im passionate about daily use of acronyms, and words of the days.
i dont know if these are the sincere passions i should be looking for, but as a slow-maturing 20 year old, i think its a mediocre beginning.