The thing about anxiety and depression is- you don’t realize what it really is until you have experienced it.
There have been days in my life where I felt like my soul literally ached. I felt so sad inside I didn’t know what to do. The pain just swells up and you want to do anything to make it end. I feel so heartbroken for those that don’t feel like there are more important things and let that feeling take over them. Suicide is the saddest thing in the world, to be so miserable to have the courage to kill yourself.
I’ve felt that misery before. But I would definitely never want to end my life because of it. There were times I would give myself a time out. So I would not hate everyone around me for not understanding, and to just hide from the world. I would often say that- I wish I could just disappear- not in a dying sense, just away from everyone and everything for a while.
I found a lot of comfort in things such as my computer. The more obsessed and engaged I was in watching a movie or researching things, the less I thought about how sad I was. That was odd behavior for me. I usually hate being home, having nothing to do, or not making plans. But those things just gave me anxiety.
Ironic (or not?) the anxiety is what gave me the depression. Somewhere between the mix of bad medicine and the stress of being anxious, I found that depression.
Anxiety disorder is probably the hardest to explain. You can be perfectly fine one moment, and the next you are a completely different person. Under extreme attacks, I do not know how to control myself. I shake. I freak out. There is no way in the world you could possibly get the feeling until you are in that hellish situation. Even with medicine to control my outbreaks, I can still feel it sometimes. Like, this brick of upset and stress. It comes out of nowhere and makes me have all sorts of emotions. Sad. Angry. Unconfident. Emotional.
Another funny thing about anxiety is that you dig your own grave in some situations. For example, you think that everyone hates you for feeling this way. That everyone thinks you are faking it [note-it is really rude to comment that someone is ‘faking’ an anxiety attack for attention. What are you, some kind of heartless sicko. Show them compassion.]
Then you start the whole, everyone hates me feeling. Then you apologize, and feel sick inside, and say sorry some more, until they really are annoyed with you. Because they are tired of you saying that and don’t understand the purpose of it. Then you once again, feel bad and apologize some more. When in the beginning- you were just experiencing that painful outcome of your mental problem that is clearly impossible to control.
Really. It is embarrassing. As much as you know and understand that it is out of your control and all chemical/ whatever, you always have a hint of guilt about it. You worry that you are ruining relationships that are important to you. You worry about ruining your own life because of your inability to fully do things. Sometimes you cant work. Sometimes you have to torture yourself to go to school. Or even just to get the most simple things done.
How someone could want to not be in a relationship, of any type- friendly, family, romantic- because of the problems you encounter, is unsettling. Besides the fact that with the right medicine, though a hassle to find, and their understanding support, it is relatively easy to control well over half the time, people still feel like it is too much for them to handle. I try to understand how a person could not want to see a person through a problem and support them during such a troubling time. Especially if they seemed to be a genuine person.
I have lost many friends due to my anxiety. People not knowing or overwhelmed with dealing with my disorders. It breaks my heart that I could lose people close to me over something that I work so hard on controlling. It almost makes me sick to think that people could do that to me. Strictly friends, and some romantic relations have been severed because of peoples ignorance or impatience.
There have been some people who have been there for me the whole time. My parents are so patient to me while I’m struggling and finding myself. I can’t imagine what it would be like to have such a child, who was so upset for really no reason and wishing you knew how to help them more than just doctor visits and reminding them to take pills every day.
I also cannot say that I have zero supportive friends. Two, in particular, have been exceptionally good friends to me no matter what I have dealt with. No matter how depressed or anxious I was. They will always be important people to me for being understanding and making time for me when I was such a mess and probably unpleasant to be around.
As for the future, it seems like I will have a better control over things. I still worry that my random attacks of anxiety and unsettling feelings will come, but they are not as bad as bad as they have been in the past, but also remembering it is not my fault. I did not cause this to happen to me, and many other people also struggle with the same problems in some form every day. My heart goes out to them.
I can only hope that I can be strong enough to continue to keep a good attitude about living with it and remember to acknowledge the people who are supportive of me.
