Pena Ajena (The embarrassment you feel watching someone else’s humiliation)

you know how when you are watching a movie (or tv) and there are those really awkward scenes that are just painful to watch?

I feel like there are too many circumstances in my life where if someone was watching they would feel the same way.

soooo incredibly uncomfortable, but could totally relate.

cabbage

i have discovered the secret to job interviews.

i have always thought i was GREAT at interviews. i talked as slow as i possibly could, said really logical things, and acted really mature.

and never got the job.

so.... it turns out...

if you talk in circles really fast and say a bunch of things that dont super[ly] make sense, they dont question you and just give you the job.

either because they think you are really smart, or because they are scared of you.

or desperate.

anyway. so much for talking slow, im just talking fast fasttttt fasstttt from now on.

jokes. oh yeah, and i totally just blogged again. yeah, i know.

Hi, and Bye.

I swore off blogging/er/spot/ whatever.
But then I caved in.
i caaaaaved innn.

Jk i didnt. I am so over blogging. but im still tumblring.
http://christenelovesinternets.tumblr.com
so if you wanna see lame things i post and blurbs [hahaha blurb] of odd thoughts, that is your place. Im going to keep my ideas private for now. but maybe in the future i will blog again.

maybe when im a mom and want to share all my meals and baby puke stories.
[ha notttt]

ksee ya!


and maybe ill keep blogstalking you, and maybe i WONT.

i watched all of season 1 of buffy the vampire slayer.

things i think are funny:
*people who wear ironic tshirts, but they wear them seriously. which i suppose makes them not ironic. just embarrassing. [well.. most ironic tshirts are just embarrassing no matter what.] the voices in my head...
*that britney spears is still making music. terrible, terrible music....
*the word 'obvi,' which is obvi not a word, just an abbreviation-
*that there are nc-17 movies on netflix [ok. not funny, more disturbed.]

things i really like:
*these new rad tissues my ma bought me with vicks in them.
*microwave kettlecorn
*the wallpaper on my phone.

things that creep me out:
*facebook
*when i accidentally get perfume up my nose


im baaaaaaaaaaaaaackkkkk

synonym for witty

Synonyms: amusing, bright, brilliant, campy, crazy, diverting, droll, entertaining, epigrammatic, facetious, fanciful, gay, humorous, ingenious, intelligent, jocose, jocular, joshing, keen, lively, original, penetrating, piercing, piquant, quick-witted, ridiculous, scintillating, screaming, slapstick, sparkling, waggish, whimsical

... campy?

hahahaha!

sometimes, i internet fall in love with people.

on that note, im really ready for 2011, and in that year maybe i will blog more. because its not that i dont have the time...
i just fail to write down my ideas. and i would not be doing myself a favor if i did not type out my ideas. for myself. [mostly because my handwriting is terrible the older i get and i dont know if i will even be able to read it in a year. but i should work on that for my school notes.....]

and yes, im going back to school in the winter. heyyyyyaaa

Indoor Camping

The other day I turned on 2 fans and opened my window. It was pretty chilly outside, but I just love the feeling of being cold. I bundled up in 4 comforters and was surrounded by pillow. oh dear. I love pillows. Outside it smelled smokey. As I was laying there, trying to sleep, I could only think of one thing.

This is like... Indoor Camping!

There are very few things I enjoy about camping. Mostly I wish I could incorperate everything I want into a perfect camping experience. I love the feeling of my face being cold and the fresh air outside. I like the smell of outside. Basically, the only thing I really like about camping is that it is outside. I always wish I had at least 5 blankets and a nice mattress under me. I wish I could be somewhere free of ticks. Other than that- I would just love camping.

And I basically slept as good as I would have if I was camping- meaning I woke up probably at 4:30 am. And that, to me, is camping.

Ok. It may not sound even close to camping. But at 2 am, it felt like it.

Y

and now on to something more serious.

I would like everyone right now to stand and give me a round of applause. Because I got 100% on my phlebotomy final test this week. And I am very proud of myself. So... I will give you a minute to do that.

Kthxbyeeeeeeeeeeeee

I hope my children are like me.

Recently, my mom made me go through a box of things from my childhood and throw away /reorganize everything [completely trashing my living space and creating many distractions.]

If there is one thing i learned about my childhood, its that i wanted to be a writer. And i wrote a lot of ridiculous stories. If i think about it really, i remember writing stories as far back as i think i could write. before i could write. i was a dramatic child. and now im embarrassed because i did not fulfill my childhood dream of being a famous writer. i guess im only 22 and i still have a bright future.... hahhaaaaaaa. anyway, for your entertainment, i am including one of my many odd stories i wrote as a weird little girl, im guessing i was somewhere between 4th and 6th grade. i stayed naive for a long time.

heyyaaaaa:

In medford, colorado, lives a group of five kids. their names are Blossom, Nate, Madalyn, Olive, and Garnet [wtf? ha] Nate, the only boy of the group, always felt extra special. Blossom was so beautiful! Her long silvery-red hair just dangled past her shoulders. Garnet was the dreamer. She would dream and dream and dream. She had many fantasies. Most very unrealistic. [ i promise nothing sexy here] She always wrote with hearts on her I's and squiggly letters. She was such a dreamer that even when she was madly in love you could not tell- like the time she was in love with Morgan and thought it was very romantic that they had the same name. Olive, on the other hand, was a total TOMBOY. she wrote in big block letters that were real sloppy [at this time i changed my handwriting to be like hers] and she was a terrible speller. Madalyn was a girly girl. [from here on out i can not read my handwriting. then it becomes legible again.]

and there is no plot line, just me explaining characters of different stories, but never finishing them. i had a thing for names as a kid. i had a book of baby names that i found on a book shelf in my house and i hid it in my room and looked through it all the time. I was way embarrassed my mom would find out that i was looking up different names. probably i would make fun of my daughter for what i did too.

i was hiding a book of baby names while boys were hiding porn.

thats all.

A really long blog about serious things.

The thing about anxiety and depression is- you don’t realize what it really is until you have experienced it.

There have been days in my life where I felt like my soul literally ached. I felt so sad inside I didn’t know what to do. The pain just swells up and you want to do anything to make it end. I feel so heartbroken for those that don’t feel like there are more important things and let that feeling take over them. Suicide is the saddest thing in the world, to be so miserable to have the courage to kill yourself.

I’ve felt that misery before. But I would definitely never want to end my life because of it. There were times I would give myself a time out. So I would not hate everyone around me for not understanding, and to just hide from the world. I would often say that- I wish I could just disappear- not in a dying sense, just away from everyone and everything for a while.

I found a lot of comfort in things such as my computer. The more obsessed and engaged I was in watching a movie or researching things, the less I thought about how sad I was. That was odd behavior for me. I usually hate being home, having nothing to do, or not making plans. But those things just gave me anxiety.

Ironic (or not?) the anxiety is what gave me the depression. Somewhere between the mix of bad medicine and the stress of being anxious, I found that depression.

Anxiety disorder is probably the hardest to explain. You can be perfectly fine one moment, and the next you are a completely different person. Under extreme attacks, I do not know how to control myself. I shake. I freak out. There is no way in the world you could possibly get the feeling until you are in that hellish situation. Even with medicine to control my outbreaks, I can still feel it sometimes. Like, this brick of upset and stress. It comes out of nowhere and makes me have all sorts of emotions. Sad. Angry. Unconfident. Emotional.

Another funny thing about anxiety is that you dig your own grave in some situations. For example, you think that everyone hates you for feeling this way. That everyone thinks you are faking it [note-it is really rude to comment that someone is ‘faking’ an anxiety attack for attention. What are you, some kind of heartless sicko. Show them compassion.]

Then you start the whole, everyone hates me feeling. Then you apologize, and feel sick inside, and say sorry some more, until they really are annoyed with you. Because they are tired of you saying that and don’t understand the purpose of it. Then you once again, feel bad and apologize some more. When in the beginning- you were just experiencing that painful outcome of your mental problem that is clearly impossible to control.

Really. It is embarrassing. As much as you know and understand that it is out of your control and all chemical/ whatever, you always have a hint of guilt about it. You worry that you are ruining relationships that are important to you. You worry about ruining your own life because of your inability to fully do things. Sometimes you cant work. Sometimes you have to torture yourself to go to school. Or even just to get the most simple things done.

How someone could want to not be in a relationship, of any type- friendly, family, romantic- because of the problems you encounter, is unsettling. Besides the fact that with the right medicine, though a hassle to find, and their understanding support, it is relatively easy to control well over half the time, people still feel like it is too much for them to handle. I try to understand how a person could not want to see a person through a problem and support them during such a troubling time. Especially if they seemed to be a genuine person.

I have lost many friends due to my anxiety. People not knowing or overwhelmed with dealing with my disorders. It breaks my heart that I could lose people close to me over something that I work so hard on controlling. It almost makes me sick to think that people could do that to me. Strictly friends, and some romantic relations have been severed because of peoples ignorance or impatience.

There have been some people who have been there for me the whole time. My parents are so patient to me while I’m struggling and finding myself. I can’t imagine what it would be like to have such a child, who was so upset for really no reason and wishing you knew how to help them more than just doctor visits and reminding them to take pills every day.

I also cannot say that I have zero supportive friends. Two, in particular, have been exceptionally good friends to me no matter what I have dealt with. No matter how depressed or anxious I was. They will always be important people to me for being understanding and making time for me when I was such a mess and probably unpleasant to be around.

As for the future, it seems like I will have a better control over things. I still worry that my random attacks of anxiety and unsettling feelings will come, but they are not as bad as bad as they have been in the past, but also remembering it is not my fault. I did not cause this to happen to me, and many other people also struggle with the same problems in some form every day. My heart goes out to them.

I can only hope that I can be strong enough to continue to keep a good attitude about living with it and remember to acknowledge the people who are supportive of me.

short- like my legs.

sometimes, i cant decide what is more/ most important to me

no, i will not eat your creepy version of protein.

After a long time of being insistent about my peculiar picky consumption of meat, I have given in.

My requirements were these:

I do not eat pork. Ill try any excuse. I am a jew. I AM A JEWWWW!!! [ok.not really a jew...]

I do. not eat. roast. beef.

or steak.

OR lamb. or any animal not meant to be eaten. such as; deer.

Here is where I lowered my standards

i still don’t eat pork. However today I was too lazy to open up a new package of lunch meat. So I choked down some ham. This is how bad my laziness has become? I am never eating pig meat again. Stop trying to trick me. I will bend my rules. Because im lazy. Like how ive been eating corndogs…. We wont even get into that. There is so so so many excuses. Hot dogs are gross.

b. i was really really hungry last week. Practically starving. Mom. Please stop making roast beef multiple times a month, let along multiple times a WEEK. But my poor stomach was much too weak to cook anything else. Even if it was just in the microwave. I was starving, remember?

Steak is only to be consumed in a situation such as the last nooooo moooreeee exxceeptionns.

d. Which leads to lamb. which will NEVER be excused. Who do you think I am. Im not going to eat an animal that is on the cover of a lisa frank folder. I learned better than that in elementary school, come on!

On the other hand, Glenn Beck is creepy.

shaved legs

when im in the shower, i think of my best ideas. so i want someone to invent me a waterproof tape recorder so i can record my ideas and then write them down when i get out. if i try to wait till i get out of the shower i dont sound as good.

shower = me really insightful, eloquent, and interesting.

thats all.

a blog in which i say "boyfriend" too many times.

Today was a pretty good day.

i woke up.

i ate some cereal.

chatted online with my superhotttt boyfriend.

ran some errands with my mom.

picked out early birthday presents.

came home.

and then rode bikes with said boyfriend and his friend Dallin.

Dallin is a precious boy.

then i ate a lot, la lala,

oh. and wrecked kyle.s hair.

despite the fact that i, just last month, gave kyle william challis the most awesome haircut of his young adult life.... i ruined his hair. i lost confidence and then we just buzzed it all off. poor hair. iloved that hair. it was so blonde and wavy and covered his forehead in such a pleasant way. how could i ruin his hair? I am so intensely displeased with myself words can not discribe it. part of me died a little. i let kyle down. i let myself down. now he has to face his mom. his dad. six siblings. a sister in law. a brother in law. 3 nieces. all his nerd friends. good thing he works from home. now he will never have to show his boss. my poor buzz head boyfriend. i kept saying "im so sorry. dont hate me!" over and over. probably one thousand times in an hour. i called him on the phone. i texted it. i facebooked it. i bloggeed about it. Its just hair, christene. you will live. he will live. yeah... im not convincing myself too well. also, he is not convincing me. by the way- i have the nicest most sincere boyfriend with the biggest heart you will ever meet. besides being a total babe- he still loves me when i totally butcher his hair and whine about it all night. Then i started feeling bad like he would think he was unattractive with no hair. then i whined some more about how he was soooo cute and i still liked him. more dont hate me whines. im so secure when i make mistakes. and he just kissed me --jk i have never kissed a boy!! -- no, he hugged me and said he liked it better that way.

and that, everyone else, is how i somehow am dating the coolest boy in the universe. no- that is only a small microscopic example. and even though i keep losing all hope in everything i remember that good things really do happen to good people.

oh and then i attempted to sleep. because i get to take my cousin to the airport at 7 am.....

zac efron probably has a crush on me.

i cant swallow very well even after day four of antibiotics- which is probably a bad sign. other than the fact that i have been sick for 2 weeks now and my work hours got cut down [not because of my lack of good work but because not enough kids signed up for camp, OK! haha]- which seemed impossible- i have sewed a dress and managed to squirm my way out of cleaning my room, doing anything responsible, and sleeping wayyy less than a sick person should. that, my friend, is summer break. and you would think that the summer i turned 22 should be more responsible, but.... lets wait until my birthday [july 14, ahemmm] and THEN ill whip out the responsibility and be a real grown up. because then ill be a menace to society [jk.] until then... who wants to play!! hahaha [the sick part is really discouraging. but ill get better, promise!]

10 ways to make life better

1. ice cream bars.

2. elton john: tiny dancer. repeat. repeat.

3. make more money than you expected.

4. have a good hair day.

5. watch this video: http://www.hulu.com/watch/73360/saturday-night-live-lawrence-welk .

6. learn to crochet.

7. successfully foil a sneaky plan.

8. steam rooooom. thanks glenn.

9. drop out of school. [ok a little sarcasm.]

10. meet kyle challis.

ALL IN CAPS BECAUSE IM YELLING, DUH.

OHHAITHURRRRRR

100TH POST!!!!!! THIS IS QUITE THE EVENT.

AND THERE WILL BE NOTHING MEMORABLE ABOUT THIS.

EXCEPT, TUMBLR OWNS MY LYFE

[ WWW.CHRISTENELOVESINTERNETS.TUMBLR.COM ]

AND I LOVE PUNS TODAY SO LEAVE ME A GOOD PUN JOKE IN A COMMENT.

PLZ.

THX.

BAI.

a blog in which i name drop. A LOT.

i am going to tell you all my crushes for as long as i remember. because right now that sounds really funny.

maybe not funny not a 3:30 am

[p.s. i have had more crushes than this, but these are the ones that were the most memorable ]

Christoper. K-3rd grade.

Alex. 4th grade- 21 years old. early 21, mind you.

Curtis, Paul, and every other boy in 6th grade

James. in 7th grade wanted to go out with me but i said no. what was i thinking?!!? i liked him...

Jesse. he was so dreamy. i wouldnt wear a sweatshirt to school because i knew he would always let me wear his.

Josh was a senior and let me wear his lettermans jacket. he was on the water polo team.

Jordan, was in middle school and i was in high school. [well i would have been in middle school if i lived in utahhhs...]

John was my first wild boy crush and my first huge heartbreak. damn you, john bell.

Logan was the first boy i ever held hands with.

Spencer, bless your heart if you read this, i was in love with you. you were so asian.

Stephen will forever be the boy of my dreams and i owe a lot of the way i think to him. he probably has no clue about this. that is embarrassing. he was also exceptionally handsome.

Mystery Facebook boy, i know your name but i refuse to admit it. I talked to you at the library one time. You were my first hipster crush.

Daren- and then we got engaged years later, then you married a girl ] very soon after i dumped you. someone wanted to get married.

Cody was black and i liked him. we met at a byu dance. i did not just admit that.

i really cant remember any names of crushes from mid 2007 to mid 2008....

Kenton had earrings and tattoos.

Brennan was and forever will be probably the biggest joke of my dating life.

Matt let me kiss him at his california mansion, but not really because i have never kissed a boy before.

and now we are to april 2010. and i have a crush on evvverryyy boyyyyy

i hope i did not forget you.

i cant believe i just said all that.

and then here is my celebrity crush because everyone knows how much i want to date the not celebrity version of michael cera.

who needs $k00l

I hate school. I hate papers. And I don’t think my intelligence should be measured on whether I can please some teacher with idiotic papers and memorizing facts. I feel more stupid because of school. I have learned how to bill $|-|!+ my way out of papers, and cram facts into my head for tests, only to forget the information as fast as I remembered it.

Thank you college for providing me with the tools for a bright and useful future.